I can vividly remember sitting in the passenger side of my older brother’s car telling him that, “When I grow up, I’m not going to need a man. I can do it all on my own.”
I can’t tell you if it was the constant barrage of masculinity always being thrown around our family or if it was something I had seen on television, but inside of me was a fire-breathing dragon that would be damned if she ever fell victim to that “damsel-in-distress” bullshit-propaganda Hollywood was feeding.
I had seen my mother do it without a man’s help. I had known of other women doing it. So why should I be the exception? I was intelligent, educated, and resourceful. Never one to want hand-outs, I was willing to put in the sweat and be compensated for my labor. Let that damsel who can’t think for herself be the one to get rescued. I had a plan, dammit.
But that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to fall in love, and be loved in return.
I remember dreaming of last kisses and long drawn-out conversations while staring at the stars… Hollywood had still managed to infiltrate, I’ll admit it.
It was hard to explain myself to others though, especially those closest to me, because they all felt that men are men and they’re in charge. A woman’s place is behind a man; as his support; his rib.
“Goddammit! Why can’t we be equals? I don’t need a man to buy me groceries, but he could still carry them to the fridge. I don’t need a man to drive me around town looking for an unknown address, just install the freakin’ GPS for me. And I for damn sure don’t need a man to help me raise my kids!!” — I screamed in my head.
I could imagine all of the ultra feminists jumping up shouting in response to my faux-liberation.
Flash-forward twenty years.
I now realize just how naïve and yet… how powerful I was.
My constant mantra that “I didn’t need a man” was me subconsciously telling the universe that, “I could do it all by myself.”
And the universe reaffirmed the message, as it always does.
After a few years of marriage, I finally had to walk-the-walk and woman-up. As a single-mother I had to learn to not depend on a man for financial or even emotional support. If it was received, it was very much appreciated, but it was never expected.
“Could there have been smoother times with someone else helping me to navigate?” Of course!
“Is a two-parent home better for the overall well-being of the child?” All day!
Nowadays, I totally understand why I don’t need a man. Whether by choice, or by destiny (though, in my opinion, there’s really no difference) I came into this world to be a strong, powerful individual who was transformed by the fire, not consumed by it.
BUT FIRST I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT MY PAST WAS BASED ON THE POWER OF MY THOUGHTS NOT ON SOMEONE ELSE’S ACTIONS.
As a result, I learned that what I do need is to actually be more selective with the words I choose, especially with those mental mantras I keep incessantly repeating.
The universe is always paying attention to the vibes we emit, and sooner or later, we get what we’ve been thinking about.
Today, I want for things; I have all that I need.